A few days in to my blog I should introduce you to my sometime writing partner Matt Hutfield (@MrJackTheCohen) whom I wrote this sketch with (along with a radio sketch show pilot, which is currently in progress)…
Sound of customer entering door with bell.
Customer: Hello, I’d like to buy some tea please.
Shopkeep: Certainly, this is a shop that sells tea so you have come to the right place. What kind of tea would you like?
Customer: (excited, licking lips) Well, what exotic teas have you got?
Shopkeep: Oooo, what have I got…? Well, I’ve got (quickly so as the audience don’t really hear what’s being said) Ceylon Tea, Blue Lady Tea, Autumn Tea, Phosphorous Tea, Monkey-brain Tea, Hairy Genital Tea, Fusion Tea, Spectacles Tea, Curry Tea, Caesar Tea, Julius Caesar Tea, Asian Tea, Caucasian Tea, Leiderhosen tean, Blackadder Yea, Party Bongo Tea, Caramel Tea, Self-righteous Opinion Tea (slower) and Apple and Mango (pause to breathe) Tea.
Customer: Oh my word! I don’t know. Can I try some?
Shopkeep: Of course. Follow me/ If you’d care to enter the back passage.
Customer: Oh er.
Shopkeep: Don’t be stupid.
Sound of customer and shopkeep walking away into the back passage.
Shopkeep: As you can see, my friend, we only use the finest tea creatures to make out tea.
Customer: Friend? What? Tea Creatures?
Shopkeep: Teaurns. A newly imported breed from Innermost Outer Mongolia. All the latest features. And they’re all here to make our range of fabulous teas. YOU! Fetch me the kettle.No… WAIT!! Fetch me the Special Kettle, it is for our guest.
You: Oh, yes Sir, yes Sir! The Special Kettle. You’s, line up! You One and You Two (short burst of a U2 song), we’ve no time for that, quick help me with preparing the Special Kettle for Master.
Shopkeep: Right, follow me please., We can’t taste the tea here. We need to move over to The Tea Party Table. Mhm- yes. That’s it, just wedge yourself in.
(sound of grunting and a few mumbled apologies)
Shopkeep: And here’s your hat, I’d advise you put it on quickly, those invisible flying Marmadukes can bike like there’s no tomorrow.
Customer: (confused) I’m sorry? OWCH!
Shopkeep: No need to apologise and I did warn you.
Customer: Look thanks, but-
Shopkeep: No, no need to thank me either. This is all necessary for The Tasting of The Tea.
Customer: But I just wanted to try a….
Shopkeep: And that is what shall occur, my dear! Ah, You, the Special Kettle, thank you very much.
Customer: Blimey, that’s a bit of a fancy kettle! I though you would had the teas already made or something.
Shopkeep: (Horrified) OH NO! THIS is absolutely essential, yes esssssssssssential for those who practice the Art of Making Tea.
Customer: But, really, I mean, it’s just dried leaves infused in boiling water, occasionally with a splash of milk and sometimes sugar, isn’t it?
Shopkeep: (Angry) Dried leaves in boiling water, you say! Occasional splash of milk like it doesn’t matter. And sometime, ooooh, sometimes SUGAR?! I do hope you are testing me Satan! Each tea leaf, as you call it in your uneducated vernacular, is lovingly hand-crafted by a Teaurn individually. It is a long and laborious process which takes a certain skill and months to do. I myself have spent years perfecting the craft.
Customer: (Slightly Scared) Oh right, well can I just taste one then? One of your amazing teas that is.
Shopkeep: (Reluctantly) OK, here.
Sound of the customer sipping tea and then spitting it out disgusted.
Customer: EUUUUUUUUUUGGGH. My God that’s…
Customer: Erm, very nice but not quite what I was looking for.
Shopkeep: You mean you don’t like our wonderful Yak-Splurge tea? Hand-milked on the western slopes of Virginia, don’tchaknow?
Customer: Hand-milked? Un, no, not really, no. Maybe I’ll just go with the apple and mango tea.
Shopkeep: If you must. Here.
Sound of the customer sipping.
Customer: Yuck! That’s not apple and mango. That’, OH GOD. (Gags) What IS that?
Shopkeep: Apple and mange tea. Oh wait, sorry no that’s, my mistake. That was Forgotten Trouser Tea. Try these three.
Customer: Look, thank you, but…..
Shopkeep: I said there’s really no need to thank me.
Customer: OK… (frustrated) Don’t you just have ordinary tea?
Silence. Background noise stops abruptly.
Shopkeep: Ordinary tea?! AS YOU WERE TEAURNS!
Background noise starts up again slowly.
Shopkeep: (sniffs snootily) No, I’m afraid we do not.
Customer: Oh…. Oh well, I think I might have changed my mind… erm… thank, I mean, maybe I’ll pop next door for some coffee instead.
Shopkeep: Coffee?! YOU, YOU ONE and YOU TWO, STOP SINGING and take this… this (with venom) Coffee Lover away to The Boiling Room.
Customer: What? What…. get off me. How can you life me up like that? You’re only three feet tall! Get you purple fingers off me! Wait stop…. PUT ME DOWN!!!
Customer is dragged away with sounds of screaming and shouting.