Spoof News: Prof goes Potty for Tea.

I do apologise for re-blogging old stuff. At the moment I’m working on a competition or two and thus can not use any new stuff produced in my blog. Still, oldies are goodies, right? One thing I should have mentioned in my bio is that I am completely addicted to tea…

It was reported today that Professor Potts of the University of Nottingham was taken to the Care of Senile Yokels (CoSY) rehabilitation centre in Lenton in the early hours of yesterday morning. Medics and police converged on his Beeston home late yesterday evening sectioning him under the Mental Health Act. An eye witness account, described the scene as “messy” and went on to say that, “I knew him well, he was obsessed with tea and cups, that’s all he lived for. His poor, poor wife.”

Mrs Potts, the Professor’s long suffering wife gave a statement earlier this morning, “ Still,” she said, “I can take the kids to somewhere other than the Tea World theme park now” and, whilst obviously emotional, she goes on to say, “All I ever wanted was a cup of coffee.”

The Professor has worked for many years at the University. He started with a PhD in Infusology and has been studying this, which has now been uncovered as a completely made up subject, for over 30 years now. A spokesperson for the University of Nottingham stated, “After a long and fruitful career, we are sad that Professor Potts turned out to be two sandwiches short of a picnic. But all the students have sent him a card.” When asked how the University let him study this unique subject for so long, the spokesperson replied, “Oh, we know he made his subject area up but he was here so long we didn’t want to hurt his feelings. Yes, it’s true, many of the students and staff were laughing behind his back but we all wish him well.”

The turning point came when the Professor was found wandering round Attenborough Nature Reserve dressed in nothing but a strategically placed tea cosy, offering the general public tea bags and laughing maniacally. David (age 8 ) saw the Professor at the park and has stated he “heard the Professor singing a silly song and doing a funny dance” which, apparently, made him “giggle.”

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Spoof News: Sky High

News reporter: According to scientists, the recent NASA mission to test the use of a revolutionary new equipment that siphons off the vast amounts of ethanol found in outer space for use on Earth went horribly wrong yesterday. NASA headquarters were first alerted to the fact that something was amiss when the strange shadow found on a space probe was, on closer inspection, not a computer malfunction but a large pink party hat and yellow smiley face. Despite the efforts of NASA officials, the news spread quickly across America. Many thought this was an alien presence and several thousand Alien Watchers, wearing pink party hats and with yellow painted faces, congregated in Texas to worship the alien beings. Our field reporter gained this statement from one of the crowd looking for alien contact:

Alien Watcher: “Well, I’m hoping for a good probing session later. Isn’t that right, Mavis?” 

News Reporter: This theory of interference by alien lifeforms, however, has now been discounted by the President himself, as further incidents have come to light. NASA has now discovered that the recent prank calls to Houston, stating that various members of the Senate “have a problem,” were not from, as first thought, local school children but, in fact, were from the astronauts in the space craft itself. A spokesperson from NASA gave this statement:

NASA Spokesperson: ‘We were just as surprised to find the IPhone works in outer space. We’re now considering a lucrative sponsorship deal for the next mission to the moon.’

News reporter: It is rumoured that the next moon landing, provisionally named The IMoon Mission, will occur late next year. Speculation as to what might have caused the mass hysteria of the international all-male astronaut crew ended when it was realised that there was in fact no ethanol in the storage tanks.  NASA headquarters are warning the drunk astronauts that they must clean up the space craft and probe before re-entry. Whilst new calculations are being made by scientists on Earth to return the unexpectedly light space craft safely, the astronauts are taking the opportunity to study the properties of projectile vomit in zero gravity and the, so called, Hangover Effect in space. We have this exclusive quote from one of the astronauts taped conversations, regarding these further experiments:

Astronaut: ‘Who do I have to sleep with to get another drink on this flying piece of junk? You again Vlad? O..K…’

News reader: Now, the big question on all of our minds is, how much jurisdiction do police have to arrest the astronauts for drink driving a rocket in outer space? And now, the weather.