Tell me what you’ve been doing busy little bee…

It’s been so long I was actually shocked to see that the format has changed.

I’ve been trying to read a load of really awful books (some of which I really didn’t think would be awful…) and not getting through them.  I am half tempted to do another poll. The last one worked out OK. Why not? You have until I decide to try to read a book again. Probably this weekend. The options have changed since last time. Here:


Also, I have been working. And I went to Covent Garden. I do love Covent Garden. I’d like it more without all the French school children. I bought tea and, in a huge change from tradition, coffee.

Listening to something on Radio Four Extra that sounds like a cross between Monty Python’s Life of Brian and Hitchhiker’s Guide – it’s called World of Pub. Interesting. Turned over to Radio 2. There’s a history of comedy programme on.

Bon nuit!


Oh, the whole can of worms is out now…








I have not blogged for a whole 7 days.

There must be a reason.

Have you been whisked away by the man of your dreams to a remote island paradise (or even Kilburn, London) and made love to under the stars?

Have you won the lottery and are now on your own private island, being made love to under the stars?

Have you been made offer of a wonderful job at which you have met a man who made love to you under the stars?

Will anyone ever make love to you under the stars?

Probably, the answer to all of these questions is “no”.

What I have been doing is working at work, working at home, popping to London for the recording of “Before They Were Famous” by Ian Leslie, which starred a wonderful female actress who I have seen before and whose name I can not remember and John Finnemore, who has a new sketch show, the try outs for which are every two weeks in Kilburn, London and sleeping.

During none of these events was I made love to under the stars and, anyway,  it is cold at night.



A day in the life of my body.

06:00 Awake? But we don’t leave to go to work for another 2 hours yet. Hush brain. I will lie still and wait for Chris Moyles.

06:50 Ah, Chris Moyles. Another hour in bed before breakfast. No? What? Get up, brain. I will do no such… Oh, alright then. Must be some sort of special day or emergency or something.

07:00 Clothing action done. Tooth cleaning action done. Orange juice drinking action. Packing a bag action. Packing another bag action.

07:10 What is this? We are leaving the house. Must be a really special day. Maybe I will get to do the eating cake action. Which, admittedly is slightly harder after a few of the drinking glasses of wine actions. Maybe I’ll get to do that too.

07:30 Oh my God. Swimming. Not an action for this time of day surely unless this is an emergency situation. It must be… SWIMMING ACTION.

08:15 Ah, now to lie in nice, safe hot water jacuzzi. Let’s try and trick brain into thinking it’s time for sleep.

08:45 Nope, driving again. Probably just another boring day at work. Stomach’s looking forward to eating actions.

09:15 Is that it for eating? Well. Emergency situation it must be.

09:30 Typing.

12:30 And that’s all we get for lunch? Stomach, prepare yourself for a seige.

14:00 Talking. Sit still. Arm movements. Talking.

15:00 Typing

16:30 Home time! More driving action. Walking. Where are we now?

17:00 Woo hoo (stomach agrees)! Eating action.

17:30 Eating action.

18:00 Drinking action.

18:15 Sitting means sleeping. What’s that, brain? Driving? DRIVING ACTION!

18:30 Toilet action.

19:00 Sitting.

20:00 Still sitting. Brain, it’s time for sleep. No arguments.

21:00 Sitting. I thought I said no arguments, brain.

22:00 Sitting. TV? At this time of night?

23:00 Lie still. Ahhhh.

Sketchy Sketch

Been a while! Here’s another old one. I’m going to end up blogging the whole show if I can’t get my head around a new idea or two soon. Nevermind, busy times. Can you spot the blatant Monty Python rip off er… -ness? I’m not ashamed. Sound departments can do wonders with special effects I hear.


HISTORIAN: And now welcome to our series of historical shorts with me, Dr Monkchester Jones. Today’s lesson tackles The Wars of the Roses. A terrible civil war fought between 14:55 and an afternoon nap. It was a bloody time, a clash of white versus red, a land running pink with the sap of brother pitted against brother. Here we have some new-found actual, very rare, archive footage of the Battle of Northampton.

LEADER OF THE WHITE ROSES: (Majestically) Fellow saplings! Let not this bleak day shadow the importance of the hour. We are rooted here in Northampton, on the banks of the River Nene, and here we shall stay rooted. Some of you I have known since seedlings, like Young Spike here, struggling through the frozen ground and, like Young Spike, you have grown to great, great heights. Today, I will do my duty for the Kingdom of The White Roses and I ask you all to do your duty too. Not for me, but for your saplings and for your freedom! Band of Thorns, Brothers of Thorns we, together, will be victorious on this gray day. We all will share in the soils. For, I say to you my white warriors. We will fight them on the river side, we will fight them in the gardens, we will not be dead headed and we will never surrender!


LEADER OF THE RED ROSES: Oi! You ‘pure as white’ us red roses want you to get your roots out of our water.


LEADER OF THE WHITE ROSES: (ridiculously loud and high-pitched) Attack!!

Over the noise of fighting roses.

HISTORIAN: History tells us that it was the brave and mighty red roses that won this bloody war of shrubbery. As we can see from the archive footage, this is not entirely historically accurate.

Screams in the background over the fighting noises.

HISTORIAN (CONT’D): (to himself) Fighting roses indeed, what complete rubbish. What next?

Background noises and historian start to fade out.

HISTORIAN: (CONT’D) Bungy jumping petunias?

Sound of a bungy jumping petunia.

HISTORIAN (CONT’D): Hyperventilating Hydrangea?

Sound of hyperventilating.

HISTORIAN (CONT’D): Dogging daisies?

Sound of rhythmic squeaking.

HISTORIAN (CONT’D): Oh God. I’m living the nightmare.

Historian falls asleep. Sound of snoring.

Zeitgeist Vier


Been a while… I’ve not really had anything funny to say but a night with the hilariously low-brow Nic has certainly helped.

Deutschland Noch Einmal

We went to Tall Tales which is a really fun night in Kilburn (London, not Derbyshire or York, which is incidentally near Thirkby High and Low with Osgodby – if only that were hyphenated – and some way away from Eskdaleside cum Ugglebarnby – say that in a North Yorks accent). Their podcast, Listen and Often, is really good too. If you ask me, which you haven’t, you should definitely listen to the podcast and try to go.

Harmless plug over.

I’ve been reading again. Don’t look so astounded. This time a trashy SF novel based on a film I never want to see: The Fifth Element. Any author who more than once a book, let alone page, uses phrases such as “Brat!brat!brat!brat! Brat!brat!brat!brat!” and “Buddabudda!BuddaBudda!” and “ClickityClick…” or similar is… well, I started laughing on page 91 and didn’t stop to the end. The book wasn’t that funny.

This is funny:

A man from out of space

Said, “I’m from a superior race.

You’re all inferior

While I’m superior.”

Then he tripped and fell flat on his face.

~Spike Milligan

Bis bald!


*plays saxophone softly into the night*


(This one’s for Ibi – however she spells it – I believe it!)


MAN: Good morning!

TMB, C: How are you this fine day, Mr Kai Benn?

MAN: Very well, thank you. And you?

TMB, C: Good, thank you. Aren’t you forgetting something, though?

MAN: Forgetting something?

TMB, C: Yes, you’re talking to me, a bridge, so you must know the protocol and you do seem very polite…

MAN: Protocol? Ah, of course, I do apologise.

TMB, C: Oh good. I do like you Mr Kai Benn, I wouldn’t want to have to throw you off.

MAN: Of course, nobody wants that, The Bridge of Sighs.

TMB, C:  (shocked) Pardon?

MAN: I agreed with you about nobody wanting to see me thrown off the bridge and then I called you by your name.

TMB, C: (slightly confused) No, no. That’s not my name.

MAN: Yes it is.

TMB, C: (getting angrier) No, no it’s not.

MAN: You’re not going to start shaking, are you? I thought we agreed that no one wants to see me thrown off the bridge.

TMB, C: No one wants to see you thrown off the bridge BUT ONLY IF YOU KNOW MY FULL AND PROPER NAME!

MAN: Oh, my mistake, are you related to The Bridge of Sighs? You look very similar.

TMB, C: No, no I don’t think we’ve met properly, actually. I don’t get to travel much or at all, really. It’s a lonely life being a bri… WHAT IS MY NAME PUNY HUMAN?!

MAN: Oh, well sorry it must be The Mathematical Bridge, Cambridge then.

TMB, C: Yes, that’s right. I’m glad I didn’t have to drown you. YOU MAY PASS… Ahem… (mumbling) mustn’t get carried away. Not that anyone could carry a bridge anywhere very easily. Ha. Haha. Ahem.

*footsteps over bridge*

MAN: Thank you The Mathematical Bridge, Cambridge. Just one thing though.

TMB, C: Yes, what is it Mr Kai Benn?

MAN: Can you just spell that for me?

TMB, C: Sorry?

MAN: Can you just spell my name for me, please The Mathematical Bridge, Cambridge?

TMB, C: Oh, OK, well…. K. A. I.B.E.N.N

MAN: I didn’t think so.

*running footsteps*

MAN: (shouting from a distance) CLEAR!

TMB, C: Now, hang on…


MAN: C.A.I you pathetic, worthless piece of rubble and only one N. I didn’t choose it but I sure as hell have made good use of it. Job well done, eh Mr Policeman?

POLICEMAN: That’s PC Policeman to you and I’m afraid I’m going to have to arrest you for blowing up a harmless bridge.

MAN: No, it’s Police Constable Robert Thomas Jenkins.

POLICEMAN: Oh, bugger.