Been a while! Here’s another old one. I’m going to end up blogging the whole show if I can’t get my head around a new idea or two soon. Nevermind, busy times. Can you spot the blatant Monty Python rip off er… -ness? I’m not ashamed. Sound departments can do wonders with special effects I hear.
THE WARS OF THE ROSES
HISTORIAN: And now welcome to our series of historical shorts with me, Dr Monkchester Jones. Today’s lesson tackles The Wars of the Roses. A terrible civil war fought between 14:55 and an afternoon nap. It was a bloody time, a clash of white versus red, a land running pink with the sap of brother pitted against brother. Here we have some new-found actual, very rare, archive footage of the Battle of Northampton.
LEADER OF THE WHITE ROSES: (Majestically) Fellow saplings! Let not this bleak day shadow the importance of the hour. We are rooted here in Northampton, on the banks of the River Nene, and here we shall stay rooted. Some of you I have known since seedlings, like Young Spike here, struggling through the frozen ground and, like Young Spike, you have grown to great, great heights. Today, I will do my duty for the Kingdom of The White Roses and I ask you all to do your duty too. Not for me, but for your saplings and for your freedom! Band of Thorns, Brothers of Thorns we, together, will be victorious on this gray day. We all will share in the soils. For, I say to you my white warriors. We will fight them on the river side, we will fight them in the gardens, we will not be dead headed and we will never surrender!
ARMY OF WHITE ROSES: (cheers)
LEADER OF THE RED ROSES: Oi! You ‘pure as white’ us red roses want you to get your roots out of our water.
ARMY OF RED ROSES: (jeers)
LEADER OF THE WHITE ROSES: (ridiculously loud and high-pitched) Attack!!
Over the noise of fighting roses.
HISTORIAN: History tells us that it was the brave and mighty red roses that won this bloody war of shrubbery. As we can see from the archive footage, this is not entirely historically accurate.
Screams in the background over the fighting noises.
HISTORIAN (CONT’D): (to himself) Fighting roses indeed, what complete rubbish. What next?
Background noises and historian start to fade out.
HISTORIAN: (CONT’D) Bungy jumping petunias?
Sound of a bungy jumping petunia.
HISTORIAN (CONT’D): Hyperventilating Hydrangea?
Sound of hyperventilating.
HISTORIAN (CONT’D): Dogging daisies?
Sound of rhythmic squeaking.
HISTORIAN (CONT’D): Oh God. I’m living the nightmare.
Historian falls asleep. Sound of snoring.