On Train. Day.
Conductor: Tickets please.
Man: I’d like to buy a ticket to Infinity, please.
Man: A ticket to Infinity, please.
Conductor: Are you having a laugh?
Man (seriously): No.
Conductor: Right, we don’t go there.
Man: Yes you do, it says here on this leaflet. Trains to Infinity and Beyond.
Conductor: That’s not our leaflet.
Man: Yes it is, that’s your logo.
Conductor: (pearing closely at the leaflet) Oh, yeah. So it is. (to Bob offstage) Bob! We go to Infinity? (noises, grumbling from offstage) Bob says he knows nothing about Infinity.
Man: Does that mean you aren’t stopping at Infinity then? Oh. That’s a shame, oh well, OK, ticket to Beyond then please.
Conductor: (firmly) We don’t go to Beyond.
Man: But it says on this leaflet that…
Conductor: Look I don’t know where you got the leaflet but we don’t go to Infinity or Beyond. Now where are you travelling to?
Man: I’ve told you. Perhaps you don’t know where I mean. Let me explain. You see that tree there? (points out of window)
Conductor: (looks out of window) No.
Man: Well, we’ve passed it now but it was on the Horizon. Look, quick see that house?
Man: Right, OK. Over there, see that woman with the ill fitting wig and hideously bright lipstick?
Conductor: No, wait, her? That’s my wife!
Man: Well, she looks lovely. I’m using her to demonstrate where Infinity and possibly Beyond are actually situated. Relatively I mean. Now, listen…
Conductor: No, you listen. Don’t you be using my wife in explanations of such things. Relative or not. Now, buy a ticket or get off the train.
Man: Can I request a stop?
Bob: (from offstage) Yes, he can.
Conductor: Can he?
Bob: (noise that sounds like an affirmative grunt)
Conductor: You sure Bob?
Bob: (LOTS of grumbling now and incomprehensible shouting)
Conductor: Bob says yes.
Man: How much to Infinity please?
Conductor: Erm… (looking at ticket machine and doing some calculations) 4.2 quattuordecillion pounds
Man: Do you take credit card?
Conductor: Yes we do. (takes card and inserts into machine)