Infinite change

On Train. Day.

Conductor: Tickets please.

Man: I’d like to buy a ticket to Infinity, please.

Conductor: What?

Man: A ticket to Infinity, please.

Conductor: Are you having a laugh?

Man (seriously): No.

Conductor: Right, we don’t go there.

Man: Yes you do, it says here on this leaflet. Trains to Infinity and Beyond.

Conductor: That’s not our leaflet.

Man: Yes it is, that’s your logo.

Conductor: (pearing closely at the leaflet) Oh, yeah. So it is. (to Bob offstage) Bob! We go to Infinity? (noises, grumbling from offstage) Bob says he knows nothing about Infinity.

Man: Does that mean you aren’t stopping at Infinity then? Oh. That’s a shame, oh well, OK, ticket to Beyond then please.

Conductor: (firmly) We don’t go to Beyond.

Man: But it says on this leaflet that…

Conductor: Look I don’t know where you got the leaflet but we don’t go to Infinity or Beyond. Now where are you travelling to?

Man: I’ve told you. Perhaps you don’t know where I mean. Let me explain. You see that tree there? (points out of window)

Conductor: (looks out of window) No.

Man: Well, we’ve passed it now but it was on the Horizon. Look, quick see that house?

Conductor: No.

Man: Right, OK. Over there, see that woman with the ill fitting wig and hideously bright lipstick?

Conductor: No, wait, her? That’s my wife!

Man: Well, she looks lovely. I’m using her to demonstrate where Infinity and possibly Beyond are actually situated. Relatively I mean. Now, listen…

Conductor: No, you listen. Don’t you be using my wife in explanations of such things. Relative or not. Now, buy a ticket or get off the train.

Man: Can I request a stop?

Conductor: No!

Bob: (from offstage) Yes, he can.

Conductor: Can he?

Bob: (noise that sounds like an affirmative grunt)

Conductor: You sure Bob?

Bob: (LOTS of grumbling now and incomprehensible shouting)

Conductor: Bob says yes.

Man: How much to Infinity please?

Conductor: Erm… (looking at ticket machine and doing some calculations) 4.2 quattuordecillion pounds

Man: Do you take credit card?

Conductor: Yes we do. (takes card and inserts into machine)

End.

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