My first sketch

Both on this new blog and ever. I’m still ridiculously proud of it. So, where better to start…

Mr Paddock is on a landline phone to a company (Enterprise Solutions) trying to order something over the phone.

Customer Service (CS): Good morning, thank you for calling Enterprise Solutions. May I take your name please?

Mr Paddock (Mr P): Yes, it’s Paddock.

Customer Service: Is that Miss, Ms, Mrs? 

Mr P: Mr!

CS: Right, Mr Haddock, how can I help you?

Mr Paddock: No, Paddock, with a P.

CS: Mr Paddick

Mr P: No, Mr Padd-OCK

CS: Sorry, Mr Padlock

Mr P: No, No L, Paddock.

CS: That’s a nasty stammer you have there, Sir. Noel Padlock. May I call you Noel?

Mr P: What? I don’t have a stammer… And No you can’t! That is not my name! Listen. Let me spell it for you… (slowly) P A Double D O C K.

CS: Right, P E

Mr P: No, No P A, A

CS: P A.. A? I thought you said you didn’t have a stammer.

Mr P: I don’t! P A Double D

CS: P A Double B oh Pabbock! Mr Noel Pabbock.

MR P: No, No, D.

CS: Dabbock?

Mr P: No, now look…

CS: ….. Noel …. Badcock?

Mr P: LISTEN TO ME! My name is by the by, I would just like to talk to someone in Sales please.

CS: Bytheby? I thought you said your name began with a P?

Mr P: No! Just put me through to the sales department! Please!

CS: Your name doesn’t begin with a P?

Mr P: (very angry, reacts) I, I…  

CS: Sir, there’s no need to get angry. Please calm down. Let’s try again. Your name?

Mr P: Right, (very slowly) Pad…dock…

CS: OK, Mr Paddock

Mr P: (relieved) YES!

CS: And which department would you like to speak to?

Mr P: Sales

CS: I’m sorry.

Mr P: Sales, please.

CS: I didn’t quite hear that…did you say Wales?


CS: But you’re talking to customer services. In India.

Mr P : Yes and I’d like to talk to sales, PLEASE. (pause) Hang on, how much is this costing me?!

CS: (Slowly) This is services.

Mr P: No No No No No I want SALES!!

CS: OK calm down please Mr Bytheby.


Mr P gets so angry he smashes the phone. (some good acting needed here to pad out)

Mr P: Fine!

Mr P looks at phone, breathes, gets mobile phone out of his pocket and dials.

Customer service 2 (the same man with a different accent): Hello customer services.

Mr P: Hello, yes I’d like to order a new phone please.

CS2: Yes of course, may I just take your name?

Mr P: Yes, my name? ……….Smith.

CS2: And is that spelt with a y or… ?

Mr P throws the phone over his shoulder and storms off stage.


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