Both on this new blog and ever. I’m still ridiculously proud of it. So, where better to start…
Mr Paddock is on a landline phone to a company (Enterprise Solutions) trying to order something over the phone.
Customer Service (CS): Good morning, thank you for calling Enterprise Solutions. May I take your name please?
Mr Paddock (Mr P): Yes, it’s Paddock.
Customer Service: Is that Miss, Ms, Mrs?
Mr P: Mr!
CS: Right, Mr Haddock, how can I help you?
Mr Paddock: No, Paddock, with a P.
CS: Mr Paddick
Mr P: No, Mr Padd-OCK
CS: Sorry, Mr Padlock
Mr P: No, No L, Paddock.
CS: That’s a nasty stammer you have there, Sir. Noel Padlock. May I call you Noel?
Mr P: What? I don’t have a stammer… And No you can’t! That is not my name! Listen. Let me spell it for you… (slowly) P A Double D O C K.
CS: Right, P E
Mr P: No, No P A, A
CS: P A.. A? I thought you said you didn’t have a stammer.
Mr P: I don’t! P A Double D
CS: P A Double B oh Pabbock! Mr Noel Pabbock.
MR P: No, No, D.
Mr P: No, now look…
CS: ….. Noel …. Badcock?
Mr P: LISTEN TO ME! My name is by the by, I would just like to talk to someone in Sales please.
CS: Bytheby? I thought you said your name began with a P?
Mr P: No! Just put me through to the sales department! Please!
CS: Your name doesn’t begin with a P?
Mr P: (very angry, reacts) I, I…
CS: Sir, there’s no need to get angry. Please calm down. Let’s try again. Your name?
Mr P: Right, (very slowly) Pad…dock…
CS: OK, Mr Paddock
Mr P: (relieved) YES!
CS: And which department would you like to speak to?
Mr P: Sales
CS: I’m sorry.
Mr P: Sales, please.
CS: I didn’t quite hear that…did you say Wales?
Mr P: SALES!
CS: But you’re talking to customer services. In India.
Mr P : Yes and I’d like to talk to sales, PLEASE. (pause) Hang on, how much is this costing me?!
CS: (Slowly) This is services.
Mr P: No No No No No I want SALES!!
CS: OK calm down please Mr Bytheby.
Mr P: PADDOCK MY NAME IS PADDOCK AND I WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE IN SALES, SALES DAMN IT!
Mr P gets so angry he smashes the phone. (some good acting needed here to pad out)
Mr P: Fine!
Mr P looks at phone, breathes, gets mobile phone out of his pocket and dials.
Customer service 2 (the same man with a different accent): Hello customer services.
Mr P: Hello, yes I’d like to order a new phone please.
CS2: Yes of course, may I just take your name?
Mr P: Yes, my name? ……….Smith.
CS2: And is that spelt with a y or… ?
Mr P throws the phone over his shoulder and storms off stage.